The gift of forgiveness

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you. - Louis B. Smedes

Forgiveness is the final form of love. - Reinhold Niebuhr

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately - what it means, how it works, and what it accomplishes.

I've written before that I don't think forgiveness is about "forgetting" or "condoning" someone's actions. It's about accepting the things that have happened and showing empathy and compassion for the person you think is responsible for the hurt and betrayal you feel.

I've noticed though that it's often harder to forgive those you care most about - perhaps, because it's so painful and confusing when they do things that hurt you. 

It's also harder to forgive when the person who's hurt you doesn't appear to have any genuine insight into what they've done or feel any real remorse. 

Lastly, I think it's harder to forgive when you're vulnerable or stressed as a result of other things going on in your life.

We all make mistakes. We all need forgiveness from time to time. Goodness knows, I've been the recipient of far more forgiveness than I had any right to expect.  So I believe forgiveness is a gift we should try to offer one another when we can - even when the recipient isn't particularly interested in receiving it.

Hopefully, they'll eventually come to appreciate what's offered. But, if they don't, at least you'll know you did what you could to create a little more peace in the world - a little space for quiet reflection, compassion and reconciliation.

And, who knows, maybe the person you forgive will remember and "pay it forward" - offering forgiveness and compassion to someone who wants and needs it more than they do.

Lost Friends and New Year's Resolutions

I've been thinking a lot about friendships lately. I'm still close friends with a number of the people I went to school with 30 years ago. I've always thought there was something special about such old friendships - because they give us glimpses into who we were when those friendships began, because they have been honed by years of knowing and forgiving one another's faults, or simply because friendships formed early in life are "hard-wired" in some way.

Unfortunately, as I've learned in recent months, even such old friendships can come to painful ends. Dishonesty and insensitivity on the part of close friends is hard to forgive - especially when they result from what appears to be little more than selfishness.

Responding to my evident disappointment at a friend's behaviour, a former classmate sent me this wise, insightful and comforting message:

We are at that stage in our lives where we are most vulnerable to this kind of thing -- old enough to think we really know the people we thought we have known forever, and so probably more reliant on the stability that view of the universe brings us. It can also disappoint because it leaves you with the feeling that the relationship you had in the past was not as real or authentic as you thought it was. So it can be quite destabilizing when this happens. People can and do change with time... so one person's behaviour that disappoints you today may not always be a sign that you were deceived in the past. I have been bashed about a number of times in the last few years with things like this in both the personal and professional. Perhaps one of the reasons it is hard to accept is that as we get older, our closer and dearer friendships seem more valuable and harder to replace. So when one of them seems to be really damaged there is an even deeper sense of loss.

I've written before about forgiveness and how difficult it is. My better self knows we are all just human beings, equally fallible and worthy of forgiveness - but knowing that does little to ease the sense of loss. More troubling is how tempting it can be to want to seek retribution for the pain inflicted by a friend's betrayal.

To my mind, real love and forgiveness aren't about forgetting past wrongs or ignoring reality. They're about finding ways to accept our friends and loved ones for all they are, sending them light and love, and then (if it's for the best) letting them go - as sad and hard as that may be. 

In 2010, my New Year's resolution was to "love fearlessly" recognizing that love is not always returned in the ways one hopes. As naive as it sounds, I've decided to make the same resolution this year - along with three others:  To try harder to forgive friends who disappoint, to accept truths about myself and others I'd prefer not to see, and to nurture reconciliation whenever possible.  It's a pretty ambitious list, but the alternative (harbouring disappointment and anger indefinitely) seems a much less appealing prospect than challenging myself to do better.

Then She Found Me

So I've just finished watching Helen Hunt's beautiful film "Then She Found Me". Funny and complicated -- like its characters -- it portrays the joys of love, the pain of betrayal and the transcendant power of foregiveness.

And forgiveness is transcendant, isn't it? Imagine if forgiveness were practiced by every single person on this plant -- if, rather than seeking vengeance, we chose to reach deep inside ourselves to find love, empathy, compassion and forgiveness.

And by forgiveness, I don't mean forgetfulness. It's easy to forgive when we also forget, but so very much harder to forgive when we don't or can't forget.

Another theme of the movie is the central and complicated role of family -- the families we're born to, the families we choose, and the families that choose us. I loved that Hunt's portrayal of family was so complex. The reality is that, even when we deeply love and respect the members of our families, we sometimes hurt and betray and find it nearly impossible to forgive them.

And - really - what hope is there for humankind when we can't forgive even our own families?