Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Premonitions and grief

Maryanne died last Sunday. I was out for my run - an easy 8k up the lake and back. At the turnaround point, my legs decided they didn't want to run anymore and I felt heavy with sadness, fatigue and frustration as I walked the 4k back. A few minutes after I arrived home, Maryanne's partner, Dick, emailed to say that she had just passed away, and I realized why my run had come to such a miserable end.

I don't believe in ESP but I do believe people sometimes experience premonitions - by which I mean, shifts in energy generated by events in the lives of people they care about. I've felt a few such shifts myself when family or friends have been ill or injured. The women in my family label them "feelings" and we tend to get them whenever something especially good or bad is about to happen.

Of course, I knew Maryanne could die any time so it's not surprising I expected the worst last weekend. But what I experienced was more than just generalized dread. It was an intense physical and emotional sense that my dear sister-in-law was dying at that moment. By the time I reached home, cold, exhausted and teary-eyed, I felt certain a message would be waiting.

Whether or not, I actually had a premonition, the fact is I've been weighed down by loneliness and grief for months now. Losing Husband's mum, my friend Laura, our elder cat Ranee and Maryanne in less than 8 months has "knocked the stuffing out of me". Most days, I feel like curling up in a ball and weeping.

Of course, I can't do that. Instead, I drag myself to the office, do what I have to do, then head home to tackle whatever tasks await there. Husband's been away for nearly a month this time so I have more chores than usual - which means I have less energy for other things. It will be a relief to have him home again. Hopefully, once we're back into regular routines, we'll feel more like ourselves.

I haven't run much in the past two weeks and the few times I have run my legs have felt awful - which is both surprising and discouraging. For the past decade, running is the thing that has helped most in dealing with stress but, apparently, grief requires something else.

Though I haven't run much lately, I have been getting out for walks most days and went for a lovely skate on the oval last Friday, where I accidentally took this photo.

It nicely captures how I was feeling at that moment - savouring the sunshine and exercise after too much time indoors. I bought new skates just before Christmas and they're much more comfortable than my old ones so I look forward to spending more time on the oval this winter.

I haven't spent much time with my Nikon 5100 lately - though I did play around with it a bit last weekend, mostly taking selfies to send to Husband. Despite that, I've made a point of looking for photographic opportunities and capturing images on my phone whenever possible. I took the one at the top of this post en route to the office today. The quality's not great but it accurately reflects the mood on the ferry as people headed back to work this morning after yesterday's storm.

The only other thing to report is that Mr. Pye has a new "forever home". Poor old Nemmie was becoming more and more distressed by his presence so we finally found new digs for him. Fortunately, our friend Laurie knew a wonderful family who'd recently lost an elderly cat and were looking for another to soften the blow. So far, it seems to be working out well so we couldn't be happier - though I must say I miss the little guy. He'd managed to squirm his way into our hearts pretty well in the three months he lived with us.

That's it for me, friends. Hope your new years have begun more happily and productively than mine. I'd be interested to know if you believe in premonitions. Have you ever had one?

Happy running and writing!


  1. It has been a dark time for you guys! Hoping this year brings you both healing and lighter hearts.